Do I need help? The past few nights all I could do to fall asleep was to cry...and I didn't do it on purpose, it just came out. Sleeping is a difficult task that I fail at. It comes and goes. If I'm really tired, I'll go to bed, stay awake for about an hour or so and eventually fall asleep. If it's a normal night, I'm tired, but not exhausted, I'll lay in bed for hours, 2, 3...and wait for Mr. Sandman. I'm not restless, like having to get up and run around to get tired...just immovable, but not able to fall asleep. I subconsciously think of things, fret on them, worry about the future...I don't realize I'm doing this, until I remember something, like a bill that is due in 3 weeks or so, or a test that's coming up soon. Last night, I wrote down all the things that were bothering me, and I felt a bit better after I got them out of my head, but still couldn't rest. I don't know what to do to fall asleep. I go to bed really late and get up really early. Thus, throughout the day, I'm completely drained. I don't feel like moving anywhere sometimes. I just want to lie on my bed and daydream. I can't keep doing this. I'm failing at everything in life.
I'm tired, I'm worried, I'm scared, I've gained weight, I take my frustration out on other people, especially those I care about most. I just took a test that I had to make up for my Art class...I studied..I happen to know almost all of it like the back of my hand...I took the test, just got the score, and I got a fucking 66. The first thing I did when I first saw the grade was breathe. The second thing was tense up...the third was I ate two peeps. I'm trying my hardest not to get angry or cry, but I'm susceptible to doing all the above because I'm tired, exhausted, inside and out. I'm embarassed at the fact that I failed this test, because I told myself I knew it...I knew I was going to do good. I said to myself that I was gonna Ace it... Hell, I could answer all the damn questions the teacher has about those first few chapters. While taking the test, I thought I was doing pretty well on it, with some hesitations, but that's normal, especially for me. I got a 66. What the hell does that mean? That I really don't know much about it? That I was fooling myself into believing I would finally do good on a test. No. It means that I can't freakin' concentrate on what's in front of me. I could read it, understand it, even memorize it...I just can't seem to feel it. I don't feel much of anything anymore, with a few exceptions. Andy, for example. He's one of the few things I can feel, physically, mentally, emotionally. Seriously, without him, I don't know where I'd be. I'm sorry I put pressure on him, subconsciously, though. I'm sorry he has to hear me bitch and complain about well, everything. I'm sorry I can only smile for him, to him, with him. Even though he says I shouldn't be sorry, I really am. I feel sorry for myself most of the time...not even, I am sorry for myself. Besides Andy, I honestly don't have much to look forward to. The future doesn't seem to have much of anything in store for me. I don't know what can happen...I don't know what will happen. I don't want to think about the future, I don't want to look forward to it if I don't think anything is there. I know there must be something, but I'd rather wait and see. That's not so wrong, is it? Lately, I don't even know what I want in life. I want so many things, but I sound greedy when I say that. I'd like to have so many things, but still, I I know I can't have many. I'll take what I can get, but then it sounds like I want people to feel sorry for me. I don't want that.
About the whole sleeping thing again... possible insomnia, i think. I don't want to admit that it's a problem, if it is at all. Talking to someone about this is hard; I'm weak and cry over any of it. I'm almost in tears now...but there's people around, so I'm not going to... I'll hold it in until I can't anymore...and when that time comes to where I'm gonna burst with water, I'll leave the room... I'll take a walk, pretend I'm just doing it for exercise, which I can never get myself to do these days, as well. I can't bear to show others that I'm weak, even though they possibly know it already.
I made a list of all the classes I have yet to take... and even though I only have 14 or 16, I want to be done already. This career I've chosen to take looks less and less appealing. Am I really fit for the position? I don't think I am. I always believe everyone is better than I am. I've always felt that way, even in grade school. Everyone always thought they were better than me, so I believed it all. Working sucks. Most college students don't have to. Some have the advantage of having semi-wealthy parents to just give them money, sometimes for no reason at all. I'm not so lucky. My parents give what they can, but I don't expect it. I'm not like that. I can't rely on them for what I have...I can't for the things I needed or wanted. I am glad that I have them, though. For everything they do for me, I'm forever thankful. I owe them my life it seems.
Looking for another job sucks, too. The job I'm at now doesn't pay much because I can't get the hours I'm looking for. Working and going to school is tough, I've done it ever since I started college. Having to balance between school, homework, work, sanity, and insanity, I just can't pull it together; I don't have much homework this semester, though. Job: I can't get another job, because I have no motivation. I need a new/different job. I need to sell my car. I don't have money to keep it any more. I still have $6500 to owe for the loan. It's only worth $5500, and to most people, $1000 isn't that much to put out to pay off the loan. It is to me. I haven't had $1000 in my bank account for over 2 years. That was when I had no car to pay for. No insurance. The other bills were tolerable. I could still take care of them if I had the hours at work. Nothing ever goes as planned. Nothing ever goes easily. Nothing ever comes!
Why me? I always ask that question but no answer comes to mind. I can't talk to my parents, because they say things I don't take to heart. I was told to go get help, but like I said before, I'm not willing to admit that I need it. What I need is to be completely wiped free of all worries. Take me apart and tear out all the infractions I have within me. I need to be free. I need to be able to breathe like I was used to for a while. I can't worry myself to death. I won't kill myself or anything of that sort. I'm over all that. I want to be out of this hole I'm in again. I just don't know if I have the strength or sense of mind to pull myself out. What can I do to put away my troubles? Where can I go to relieve this stress? How can I not cry over everything? When will I ever sleep like a normal human being?
| | Michelle (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2){kind=small} in2incogitancy) wrote, |
- Mood:
depressed
October 12 2005, 00:49:17 UTC 6 years ago
BUT...things do look up. i went back to bcc this year and am finishing up my associates, i'll decide next semester if i wanna finish up at ru or not...i went back to pathmark, it may sound dumb but it's an easy job that i have fun at, i kno the ppl. i may have to commute but it's totally worth it for me. i lost the twenty lbs and then some. but it takes time. alot of time. gettin off nyquil was really really hard too. so i suggest you don't start that. i finally feel like i have my life back. i'm laughing again, taht sounds stupid but i totally did not laugh like myself for a year, that scared me. alot. i kno it might be harder for you bc youre obviously a lil more than twenty minutes away from home. but i kno u'll do fine, bc ur a smart, smart girl who always does the right thing. i've always looked up to you for that. and if you EVER need to talk, please dont' hesitate bc i've been there, i don't have to pretend i kno, i kno how it is. and u dont' have to feel stupid talking to me bc of that reason. anyway hope to hear from you, and i kno things will start to look up for you.
October 12 2005, 03:44:11 UTC 6 years ago
thanks...
Katie, thanks...for everything. It's comforting to hear that someone else has gone through the same problem before...well, despite the situations. It's so hard to do things lately and no one else, although they say they know, just really don't understand. I don't understand half the time. Well, it is nice to hear from you, especially with something like this. I'll keep an eye out on AIM for when you're on next...I'd like to see how you're doing as well. It's a little ways down the road, but we should all get together again around Thanksgiving. I'm not sure exactly when I and everyone else will be coming home, but the idea sounds really good. I miss hanging out with you, always a laughter fest...I miss everyone else...and I flippin' miss Jersey. PA, and when I say PA, I mean hardcore PA, like way out west over here, is just not the same. Anyway, thanks again for what you said...it really meant a lot. I'll talk to you soon.October 12 2005, 19:33:32 UTC 6 years ago
I LOVE MICHELLE
Oh man Michelle, let me just start off by saying I LOVE YOU! I understand your whole future career thing (among other things). Lately, taking these courses that focus on actual teaching, I wonder if I'm just kidding myself. How I'm so shy, and I can't open up, how am I going to get up in front of a room with 20 something teenagers 7 times a day and try to get them to listen to me? I'm just relying on the idea that everything will work out. Even if you finish school, and realize everything you've worked for is not for you, then so what? You try something else. What is the rush? Student loans don't get paid back until 6 months after you graduate...so just don't graduate! I know, this is a ridiculous and expensive and totally irrational idea, but why should you have to be rational when your happiness and well-being is at stake? You are the strongest person I know, and I know that whatever you choose to do will work out. And it IS really hard to admit you need help. I got help and am still in denial of needing it; what the hell does that say? What I can say is that talking to my friends helped me more than the lady I went to did, so if you ever, EVER need to talk, you know where I am. I may not be able to understand, and I won't pretend to, but I can listen. Sometimes that's all you need :)I really can't wait for Thanksgiving to come sooner, because I absolutely cannot wait to see you again. I miss you and just want you to be happy!